I’ve been spending a lot of time at my girlfriend’s college lately, and it’s been making me want to go back to school. I think I’m going to do it. which is kind of scary, because I haven’t been in two years, and I am not the most intuitive person. I have no idea where to start. well I guess I do. I have to talk to an academic adviser and discuss the terms of my academic probation. and then see what sort of classes I can sign up for. but I mean, I don’t know anything. how does academic probation work? will it have worn off by now? or will it have, in my years-long absence, become so much of a problem that I can’t attend school at all? I never told my parents about it, and hopefully I can continue to hide it from them. 

my ignorance bothers me, but what bothers me more is my laziness to do something about it. I’ve come to think of it almost as an inability. I am unable to look up the information I need. fuck, I need to go to school. I need to break this horrible slacker mentality I’ve let myself fall into. 

I need to start writing. I know I say this all the time, but it needs to happen. it is something I am seriously considering doing for the rest of my life, and however I choose to pursue it, I need to get it done. I need to do something, anything. 

on a related note, I’ve been thinking about other options regarding a career path. like I said, I’m incredibly ignorant of most everything, and therefore am not sure what profession(s) you could apply this interest to, but I’m interested in filming. I’ve never done it though, which discourages me. how do you pick up on a hobby when you’re twenty. aren’t you supposed to start being “interested” in things when you’re younger? shouldn’t a twenty year old be farther along in her field of interest than I am? in this way of thinking, it’s too late for me to start, so I might as well not. but I’d like to. I feel like I could put films together very nicely. not like, a feature-length film, just little snippets. what work is like. a day spent outside. my family. things I find interesting, documented in a way in which other people will find them interesting as well. I think that’s my main goal with my creativity. I would like to “tell my story,” so to speak. and I think the only completely successful way to do that is to find a way that makes it interesting for a complete stranger. someone who finds no relevance in their life to what you are showing them, but can still become captivated by it. 

I apologize to whoever is reading this, I didn’t mean to go on for so long. writing it all out is helping me sort my thoughts. 

I feel like I’m getting dumber and it scares me so much. I don’t want to be an idiot.