February 2012
1 post
I’ve come to know how you fall asleep. First, you move your body into mine, locking curves into corresponding curves, draping your arm across my ribs, tickling my back with your fingertips. And you close your eyes, and with each breath out, you sink into me, the weight of the day slipping off of your shoulders. Your lungs slow down, and your breaths become more even and quiet. Your muscles...
January 2012
1 post
I remember the first time I met you, the jittery drive to your house, a drive I had no idea I’d be making hundreds of times over. Walking in nervous silence, being very aware of every inch between us, every pause in the shaky conversation. My elation when you accepted my invitation to go get lunch. How impossible it was to eat in front of you. Or talk to you, for fear of saying something...
December 2011
18 posts
I was at work today, until 5pm. I came to your house to pick you up. Your mom showed me a video of your sister waving at a stuffed bear. The bear “waved” back. Your mom thought it was the funniest thing. She played that video at least eight times. I think your mom is hilarious.
We hung out in a craft store for a while, and then Target. I bought you an icee. We looked at men’s...
It’s almost two hours into christmas eve. I celebrated the beginning of it with my face pressed against your back, my fingers locked into place with yours, the credits of It’s a Wonderful Life rolling in the backround. I could have stayed like that forever.
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Prolonged high doses of amphetamines followed by an abrupt cessation can result in extreme fatigue, insomnia, irritability, and mental depression.
Um, check, check, check, and check. Except I’m not using prolonged high doses. All of these things happen to me after a single use. I don’t know if that’s bad or not. I mean, it can’t be good…
Forever ago, I read something in a magazine - one of those magazines aimed at pre-teen girls with twenty posters inside, and stickers, and quizzes to see if “he really likes you!” It was part of an article about dreams, I think, and the point of it was to instruct the reader how to somehow insert yourself into the dreams of the person you like. I mean, really, it was idiotic. There...
Right, well, my sleeping didn’t exactly go as planned. I finally fell asleep a bit after 5:30. My brother wakes up super early to watch television undisturbed; around six thirty, he came into the room and turned on the tv. He didn’t make very much noise, but just the sound of him padding around the room woke me up. I couldn’t fall back asleep, and laid awake for about a half...
Alright, last post of the night, hopefully. I’m going to try and force myself to wind down and listen to some relaxing music. I need to wake up semi-early, and the later I stay up, the more I’ll kick myself for it tomorrow.
I apologize a lot. Probably too much. Well, definitely too much. I apologize where apologies are necessary, but I also do so in situations that do not warrant it....
I’m sleepy. My body is exhausted; I worked for almost eight hours, and have been awake a bit longer than I usually am. My eyelids are drooping down enough to compromise my vision. But my mind is wide fucking awake. I feel like I have to write something, anything, or else I’ll become lost in my thoughts and drop into a bad mood because I have nowhere to project myself. I feel like...
Sometimes I take my brother’s adderall. My mom isn’t observant enough to notice a few missing pills, so it’s not very risky. I only take them on nights I know I’ll need them for work. Like tonight, for instance. Weekends are generally very busy, and usually at work I dread every ice cream ticket and bitch about every car that pulls in the parking lot. And I know I...
The other day, I had to go to the supermarket for some things for work. I went in before my shift started, but I had very limited time, so I was trying to hurry. But I couldn’t find anything I was looking for, and there was some sort of weird busy mob, like 5:45pm is the ideal time to go grocery shopping. So I was ducking in and out of crowds, not quite running, but walking extremely fast....
running Christmas list, because it’s a lot easier to organize my thoughts into lists on the internet (crossed out = purchased)
mom: first season of Grey’s Anatomy
dad: that lamp from Christmas Story, only in stocking form. I’ll put some boxers or something in there. and socks.
Mike: Keith Richards’ autobiography -birthday gift: High Anxiety dvd
Alyssa: snake...
this is another sleepless night my eyes are exhausted but my mind is stubbornly awake and racing and as suddenly as an aneurysm I start spouting poetic epiphanies my words flowing together in ways I haven’t seen since I was seventeen and with every word every semi-creative syllable I manage to capture a tiny drop of what can only be described as “happy” (which I imagine to be a...
I just read through all of our facebook interactions on each other’s walls. I watched us move in and out of inside jokes, and as I scrolled down we became less and less in love, until we were just friends, until we barely knew each other. It goes from our silly nicknames and quotes that remind us of funny things, to somewhat awkward invitations to hang out and thinly veiled compliments we...
Shit, and right after I posted that, I thought I’d accidentally posted it on my other blog, my nonsense one, and almost had a heart attack. More than five hundred people follow me on that blog. The things I write here are for my own purposes; I’m not interested in updating the world of tumblr of my innermost thoughts.
I just spent a good ten minutes frantically searching for my stuffed bear. I cannot express the relief I felt when I finally found her. I’ve had Snowey since I was a baby. I used to always sleep with her; I couldn’t go to bed if I didn’t have her. I’ve grown out of this the last few years, mostly due to getting older, I guess. But I still need her sometimes. I need...
I’m feeling extremely anxious and antsy. I feel like I should be doing something, but there’s nothing that needs doing. There’s this weird ominous cloud hanging over me I guess. And it’s vague and there without any apparent reason, just kind of floating around, making me feel shitty. I don’t know how to describe this emotion. It’s not quite sadness, because I...
1 tag
November 2011
20 posts
Whenever I get a hair cut, my self esteem instantly goes up ten points.
I made this blog as an escape from things, kind of. It’s basically an online journal, where I can spew all my nonsensical thoughts. I wasn’t really planning on replying to other things, or reblogging posts, but my girlfriend made a blog similar to this one, and she made a post on hers that is completely ridiculous, and I need to address it.
Chloe. You are the most beautiful person I...
I like touching more than being touched. This is not to say I do not like being touched. I just love the sensation of “feel” and I never get tired of running my fingers over your skin, down your side and across your back in circles and lines and squiggles. I read somewhere once that if you lay, chest to chest, with another person, your hearts will eventually fall into sync. I would...
Revisiting week-old conversations and thinking of better responses I could have said.
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It stresses me out when I get a phone call from “unknown.” I never answer them. I already dislike talking to most people on the phone. I refuse to call people I don’t know (take-out food places, the bank, people who answer phones for a living) because it makes me really uncomfortable. So if my phone rings, and I look at caller ID and it’s a restricted number, I kind of...
Oh, and to end the night, I watched Grey’s Anatomy, had chocolate ice cream with bananas in it, and now I’m about to go brave the cold and smoke a bowl.
So, today was great. Every aspect of it was ideal. I woke up around noonish, which is when I prefer to wake up. I’m not an early riser. I like the nights. I dropped my brother off at school and came home to find my girlfriend already here, waiting for me. I showered, got dressed, and we all drove to the school to see my brother in Much Ado About Nothing. He played Friar Francis. I’m...
I want to start writing a book or something, but the only thing I can think of to write about is Friendly’s, which is pretty pathetic, but also kind of a good idea. There is so much drama there, I’m sure I could easily fill a couple hundred pages about it. But I don’t know where to start, and I feel like I should wait until I’ve been there longer. I’m (hopefully)...
things to be done with my next paycheck:
cancel that fucking gym membership, please
get a hair cut
buy body spray
put a bit aside for gas
put a bit aside for Rehoboth
put a bit aside for Christmas
put a bit aside for the car that I will never buy
You know how when you start dating someone new, eventually you have that talk about exes? It always happens; you talk about their faults, and what went wrong, and how glad you are to be rid of them. It mostly focuses on the most recent ex. They’re fresh in your memory. You haven’t had the chance to bitch about them yet, and there are so many stories to tell.
I do this. I think...
I’m in bed waiting for you to get here. I’m expecting you any minute, although I haven’t asked if you’re coming or not. If I ask I feel like I’ll be bothering you. And if I don’t, I’ll be waiting for nothing, and be disappointed when you don’t show up, even if you had no intention of coming. So I’ve propped myself up at the perfect angle to...
1 tag
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Your veins are canals carrying little Italian men in gondolas Bella Notte echoing around them Your bones are the remains of ancient buildings Still standing Inviting tourists to take pictures and pause Marveling in the past The Vatican is in your toes The tides of every ocean rise and fall against your skin Leaving the freckles of sea shells in their wake Huge cities thrive inside of your lungs...
